I love horror movies, and I'm a big fan of Michael Keaton. You'd think I would have loved White Noise. Think again. Here's my review from January 7th, 2005.
Release Date: January 7
Director: Geoffrey Sax
Starring: Michael Keaton, Deborah Kara Unger, Chandra West
Rating: PG-13
Not
since Poltergeist has a film used so many static-filled televisions to terrify. Unfortunately here it fails to be as frightening.
Electronic
Voice Phenomenon (EVP) is the process through which the dead supposedly
communicate with the living through household recording devices. You with me so
far? Alright. So what is White Noise? I think it goes something like this: "Scchhhhh." "Errrawschhhh."
"Schshhshs."
Freaked out yet?
"Schhchhchh."
How
about now? No? Hmmm. Yeah, me neither.
The underrated and almost forgotten Michael Keaton plays Jonathan Rivers, an
architect whose wife Anna (Chandra West) disappears. After a few weeks Jonathan is contacted by a man (Ian McNeice) who claims Anna is dead, but has
been sending messages to him through EVP.
Through this man (heretofore referred
to as "EVP-Plot-Device-Man") Jonathan meets a woman (Deborah Kara
Unger) who has been interested in EVP since her fiancé died.
Soon after learning all about white noise from the EVP-Plot-Device-Man, it is confirmed Jonathan's wife is in fact dead (nothing you didn't already know if you've seen the trailer).
And so Jonathan becomes obsessed with trying to
contact her on his own, using multiple TVs, radios, Minidisk players, and a ton
of audio editing equipment he somehow instantly knows how to use.
What
Jonathan gets is static, and lots of it. On his radios he hears screams, and on
his TVs he sees evil shadowy figures...but he soldiers on, because he believes
he has found a possible link to his dead wife, who may or may not be trying to
tell him to save innocent lives. (What? Why?)
The
Keaton-as-savior thread is one of many story ideas that goes nowhere. In many
instances the script makes absolutely no sense, and the filmmakers just don't
seem to care. It can't decide if it's supposed to be Unbreakable, What Lies Beneath, or a mean-spirited take on Ghost. Where the film really falls apart is the ending, with bad CGI unnecessarily
thrown in.
I
left the theater with a lot of questions, and sadly, "Will I have to sleep
with the light on?" was not one of them.
That said, if you can suspend your disbelief and forgive the massive plot holes, the film IS moderately creepy, and may be slightly satisfying if loud undecipherable sounds and lots of static give you the willies.
... scchhhh .. ... scchhhh ... ... scchhhh ... ... scchhhh ... ... scchhhh .. ... scchhhh .. ... schhhh ...
Tomorrow: Are We There Yet?
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